DON’T TALK TO ME UNLESS IT’S ABOUT THE ROMAN EMPIRE

DON’T TALK TO ME UNLESS IT’S ABOUT THE ROMAN EMPIRE

THIS IIIIISSS JEOPARDYYYY
Topic: Antiquity
Question: “What do you get when you cross the Vikings with an American Express Black Card and the generational entitlement of a Silicon Valley CEO’s 18 year old son?”
Answer: “What is, ‘The Roman Empire’ Alex?

Question: Why are men thinking about the Roman Empire?

The Romans were a people known for three things: aqueducts, Christian vs. lion dance off competitions, and living rent free in the minds of 21st century men all over America. What we want to determine is why are men in 2023 so obsessed with an empire that fell (or so they would have you believe) more than 1500 years ago.

The Roman Empire began in 27 B.C., fell in 476 A.D., and then in 2023, ROSE AGAIN, in the most based way possible, by going viral on TikTok.

In hundreds of posts shared on social media, women, more inquisitive than Lil Jon, have been asking the men in their lives how often they think about The Roman Empire. “Constantly,” one husband responded. “Like, every day,” said some other idiot. And one woman, upon making similar inquiries of her beloved, found that not only did her husband think about the empire quite often, but in actuality he was obsessed with it. So much so that he and his fellow Romaniac buddies would regularly go down to the local males-only bathhouse and spa to – as he put it to her – vigorously reenact famous Roman battles and practice ancient hand-to-hand combat techniques. Committing to their hobby so passionately that they would often come home days later exhausted, sweating and barely able to stand. True dedication to the memory of a glorious empire.

But what is it specifically that fascinates men so much about these robed-up, sandals in the winter wearin’ bad boys? Simple. The Roman Empire represents everything that the modern American man has lost in recent years to out of control progressivism, new-wave feminism and shady global elites, hell-bent on tearing down everything that said modern man has built with his own two hands!!

Well… I mean, more so what said modern man’s grandfather and father built with their own two hands and then passed down to said modern man through tax-loopholes and generational wealth, but you get it.

 

Anyway, The Empire represents a time when men used to be men. ALPHAS! These 4 foot 9 inch titans bowed to no one. They conquered everything and everyone in their paths. From weak and starving Frankish goat herders to illiterate and sickly Germanic farmers, to whatever the fuck the “Celts” were, The Romans spread the republic’s righteousness from King’s Landing in the south to Winterfell in the north. Don’t look that up.

The Romans represent everything the American man can become and embody the freedoms modern man is entitled to by birth right! Freedoms that are being stripped away from the modern man as you read this very article. Freedoms like the right to have a good time every now and again without being judged for trivialities like “drinking in the morning” or “are you dinking in the morning again, Richard?” or “I’m taking the kid’s to my mother’s, you do whatever the hell you want to do Richard. Have your fun, wear your stupid sandals in the winter, I just can’t live like this anymore.”.

So many rules, so much oppression, uugh!!

Why is the modern American man obsessed with the Roman Empire? Because it fell. And he feels like he’s next. Only a few decades ago, the American man was very much like the average ancient Roman aristocrat. A quintessential part of an apex culture and society; master of technology and shaper of worlds; respected and feared by millions, the sun never setting on that which he had conquered or colonized. The currency of the Romans was used across three different continents and it had military control over every major city from the Atlantic to the Caspian.

The empire had power beyond measure. And as such, it it became entitled, comfortable, and lazy. And so it fell. The modern American man can’t help but acknowledge the similarities between himself and the Roman and realize that his way of life may be at an end as well.

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