“What is the meaning of life?”, “are we alone in the universe?”, “was the Burning Man sex tent still happening even with all that rain and mud n’ stuff?” These are just some of the quintessential questions that plague men’s minds.
But of all the philosophical, existential, political or scientific quandaries draining our emotional batteries, exhausting our patience, and just generally screwing with our heads on a daily basis, no other question compares in importance to that which we’ll be asking here today…
Which bear is best?
In 2007, Office heartthrob and closet Pamophile Jim Halpert, dared to ask the world to consider this divisive topic. His impetuous, devil-may-care challenge pushed ursinologists and philosophers alike to places they had previously been afraid to go, but it also consequentially divided a nation. Pitting coworker against coworker, brother again brother, testing the limits of the human condition and our ability to coexist.
But we must not back down from that which is difficult but rather engage with uncomfortable and contentious subjects directly. Shakespeare said, “cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once,” and it is in this spirit we proceed on the journey to answer the question, which bear is indeed best?”
Please bear in mind (ha ha), GNT is a branding, marketing and web development agency, and we’ve been told keywords in blog posts are somewhat important, so to that end the criteria by which we will be judging each fuzzy contender will be based on the brand identity and marketability of each species.
Now, of course this doesn’t make any sense, and is most likely offensive to bear enthusiasts, so if you’d like to raise issue with our conclusions or methodologies, or just ask us a question about your own branding, marketing or web development projects, please don’t hesitate to email us at [email protected]
Now , let’s get into it.. Which bear is best?
THE POLAR: Activist with a God complex. This 800 pound white walker has cornered the market on climate change awareness as well as soft drinks. Yup. Thank you, Coca-Cola, for turning this apex predator into fucking Santa Claus. Giving new meaning to hustle, the Polar Bear is the kind of brand ambassador that will make your product a symbol of the global climate crisis on Monday, while selling millions of ice cold sodas by Friday. It’s edgy; it’s urgent; it’s the bear that says, “Buy this product or I’ll eat your whole fucking family, ho ho ho.” Who wouldn’t be enticed by that level of existential drama when reaching for a Diet Coke?
THE PANDA: This frickin’ guy. This bear has turned adorable incompetence into a multi-million dollar franchise. It’s the bear equivalent of a trust fund baby. This one does fuck all and still gets sponsored by the biggest names in game. Zoos pay million’s a year to “lease” these cuddly, Rorschach tests from China, and people pay top dollar to watch them fall off trees and fumble around with bamboo shoots. Can you say, “this is the life, my guy?” Businesses like WWF have leveraged the Panda’s brand of cute clumsiness into an international symbol for wildlife conservation. It’s the bear that can literally sit there, do nothing but chew and get money thrown at it like some furry Onlyfans account.
THE BLACK: Glamorous, sexy yet suitable, great for almost any occasion, the black bear is the noir three-piece, tailored suit of the animal kingdom. It works for almost anyone, but also demands respect. This Bear is known for its lavish black fur, it’s keen eyesight and its ability to rip a person in half faster than the Rattlesnake Reaper Fries and Firecracker Loaded Cheesy Chicken Burritos at Taco Bell. (No, they’re not a sponsor) This contender evokes classic confidence while shrouded in subtle mystery. It’s an Aston Martin with tinted windows; it’s a watch too expensive to wear, except for the bouncer who has it on his wrist, outside the club you can’t get in to.
But there can be only one winner.
THE BROWN: This beast is the Taylor Swift is personal branding and marketing prowessnessness. No other man-eating marauder on our list can hawk products, rep sports teams, or get turned into plush toys like this brown badass. In this glorious arena of capitalism, there’s only one bear that reigns supreme—the Brown Bear.
Chicago’s Bears, the Golden State Warriors’ “Bear Logo,” and even the University of California with their mascot, Oski the Bear— are all inspired by the versatile Big Brown. Can you imagine if they had chosen the fucking panda?? What would that even look like? “Ah yes, the Chicago Pandas. I heard no one can get them to have sex. Champions of napping and occasional bamboo munching (not a euphemism, you freak). Feel the excitement!”
When it comes to small businesses, have you ever seen a coffee shop or an outdoor brand with a panda or a black bear as their mascot? No. No, you have not. Brown Bears, on the other hand, are the ultimate flex. They scream rugged individualism, symbolize strength and freedom, and are 100% Americana! And you might say, “hey, aren’t Brown Bear also European and Asian?” But to that we’ll simply say, shut the fuck up Tony. Just go with it. Point is, you slap a Brown Bear on a flannel shirt or a coffee mug, and suddenly it’s flying off the shelves faster than toilet paper in a pandemic.
And let’s not forget Teddy Bears, the epitome of cuddly capitalism. They’re not called “Polar Teddies” or “Panda Teddies”, are they Nope. They’re named after Teddy Roosevelt, who famously spared a brown bear and kept it as a pet. No we don’t know if that’s true, but I think I saw that on TikTok once. So, it might be.
The Brown Bear is so iconic it’s become the standard for stuffed animals designed to comfort children and grown adults alike. Sure, talking with a therapist is cool, but have you every put all your trust into a teddy bear?
So, when it comes to marketing, branding, and the almighty dollar, the Brown Bear isn’t just the best bear—it’s the Steve Jobs of the bear world. It’s not asking you to ‘Think Different’; it knows you already do.